Washington, D.C., 1831—Exclusive from our correspondent in the federal district: Members of the Liberal Media continue to mischaracterize the peaceful removal of the Southern Indians to the West, describing their trip west as a “trail of tears” and a “blight upon the honor of the nation.”
As usual, journalists are taking their cues from liberal Whig politicians. In passionate speeches before Congress, Whigs have consistently opposed the peaceful relocation of the Indians.
President Andrew Jackson, who described the Whig speeches as “the whining moans of white squaws,” has taken to calling the Whigs “snowflakes” for their tendency to melt into tears during emotional, pro-Indian declamations.
“These snowflakes are the same men who last year refused to refer to the red men as Savage Terrorists,” pointed out the President. “The Whigs are indulging a series of dangerous sentimentalities toward a ruthless banditti. They heap praise upon the savages but show no concern for the virtue of our women on the Southern frontier.”
Sen. Theodore Frelinghuysen (N.J.) has been one of the leading voices among the snowflakes, loudly opposing Indian Removal on so-called humanitarian grounds. Despite evidence the Indians have blankets and whiskey to ease their travel and are dying at a rate natural for their race, the Senator claims the emigration has been an act of oppression resulting in excess suffering and the forced separation of families.
Worse, Frelinghuysen questions the very moral foundation of Indian Removal, stating that, “God in his providence planted these tribes on this continent, and we cannot rightfully take their lands by violence if they do not offer consent.”
Fellow snowflake Jeremiah Evarts, a Whig reformer, even asserts that Jackson’s treatment of the Indians violates American principles, for “while we boast of our attachment to liberty, and set ourselves up as patrons of the rights of men, we treat the weak and dependent not as men, but as animals.”
Despite these wild allegations, past Historical Fox News coverage has repeatedly shown that the migration West has been orderly and safe. Indians are joyfully walking toward their new wigwams in the West, drinking and carousing as is their wont. Along the way they have repeatedly stopped to praise and thank President Jackson, whom they call their “Great White Father.”
“This is a story you won’t read in Whiggish, fake news outlets like The National Intelligencer,” said Jackson. “That’s why I get all of my information from Historical Fox News.”
In case you are a confused Fox News reader, please know this is a parody site. The real Fox News started in 1996 and never covered any historical events before then. But if they had, rest assured America would already be great again.