Travel Ban Stops Dangerous Ellis Island Immigrants from Entering America

Ellis Island, 1933—President Donald Trump’s travel ban on European immigrants took effect this evening, with none of the dramatic scenes of protest and chaos that liberals and socialists predicted.

The president’s ban stops immigration by residents of six European nations involved in dangerous political disputes with Germany since the election, earlier this year, of their new chancellor Adolph Hitler.

There have not been any violent incidents in the U.S. caused by immigrants from the affected European nations, but it’s clear, said Trump, “that immigrants who would cause harm once here in the U.S. are more likely than not to come from the six designated countries. I mean, look at the trouble Hitler is having with these people.”

Historical Fox News analyst William Bennett agreed.

“No one can argue that America has to harbor these dangerous illegal immigrants,” said Bennett, who travelled to Ellis Island to observe first-hand the hordes being turned away. “It’s perfectly constitutional, and perfectly American, to close the door on these miscreants, to safeguard our American values.”

Bennett interviewed a number of immigrants from the affected nations, getting an up close view of the threats they posed to America.

He met a composer from Russia named Irving Berlin who claimed his family would face dire persecution in the Soviet Union due to their Jewish background. “What a song and dance,” said Bennett. “The man is clearly just in search of a better welfare state.’

Frank Capra, an aspiring filmmaker, deeply lamented being sent back to Italy, but Bennett put no credence in his complaints. “This man who could barely speak English without an accent claimed he had already envisioned a complete, inspirational feature film about a character named George Bailey who would save a small American town. All I can say is the plot sounded trite — and dangerously socialistic.”

Bennett personally caught a hulking Norwegian, Knute Rockne, who blatantly lied on his application. Rockne claimed he planned to play American football, “even though everyone knows the Swedes don’t know a thing about football,” said Bennett.

The most striking ensemble, according to Bennett, was a family of blonde Austrian children with the last name of Von Trapp. “They spun a wild tale about narrowly escaping the Nazis by hiking for days through the Swiss Alps. Von Crap if you ask me.”

Bennett also met a pair of English grifters named Robert Hope and Archibald Leach (alias C. Grant) whom he said perfectly embodied the “foreign type likely to undermine the moral foundations of our country. I was happy to escort them myself back on the boat to Europe, where they belong.”

Other dangerous immigrants Bennett met included a muscular criminal from Italy going by the name of Charles Atlas, a Russian con artist named Isaac Asimov, and an Austro-Hungarian “ape of a man” named Johan Weismuller.

“If allowed to enter our shores, it’s not like any of these people would contribute to American society,” said Bennett. “Most likely, they would all end up in prison or on the dole. We’re a country of Americans,” he said, “not terrorists and free-loaders.”

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In case you are a confused Fox News reader, please know the real Fox News started in 1996 and never covered any historical events before then. But if they had, rest assured America would already be great again.