Augusta, Georgia, 1807—Historical Fox News Town Crier Sean Hannity sharply criticized the U.S. Congress’ Act Prohibiting Importation of Slaves passed March 2, pointing out the act’s only effect will be to make it harder to get slaves. “That’s bad for America,” said Hannity, “and a total job-killer for slaves seeking work.”
When the law goes into effect next year, reports Hannity, slaves will “have to take on all sorts of extra work without any additional rations. At the end of the day, this is terrible for the slaves. America’s liberal elites could not design a law that would hurt them more effectively.”
The new act will make it illegal to import slaves into U.S. territory. It’s expected that in the future, slaveholders seeking to expand their labor force will have to take better care of their property, raising more slave children and maintaining the longevity of current chattel.
“Liberals even believe this law will improve the lot of slaves, since slaveholders will have to help them live longer, but that’s poppycock,” said Hannity, speaking before a small, angry mob in Augusta, Georgia.
“The law will only delay the retirement age for current slaves, forcing them to work more years before their well-earned rest in Heaven. Worse, to prolong the lives of their slaves, some masters may now create incentives for them to live such as softer working conditions or an extra half pound of bacon each year. This will encourage a notoriously lazy population to become even more shiftless.”
“When future historians write the Decline of America, mark my words, friends, it begins with this law.”
Representatives of America’s slaves, present at the scene of the angry mob, did not respond to immediate requests for comment.
- Hannity Doesn’t Believe In The Minimum Wage – Because We’re Better Off Working All The Time
- Elitist Hannity Hates The Minimum Wage
- Act Prohibiting Importation of Slaves (Wikipedia)
In case you are a confused Fox News reader, please know this is a parody site. The real Fox News started in 1996 and never covered any historical events before then. But if they had, America would already be great again.