As a sign of thanks to Russian President Vladimir Putin for ousting 755 U.S. diplomats, President Donald Trump has decided to give Russia the 1980 Olympic gold medal in men’s hockey.
“They are doing us a real solid, helping us reduce personnel costs,” said Trump. “It’s the least we could do. I mean, Russians love hockey. No one loves Hockey the way Russians love hockey. Putin’s people are gonna love me for this.”
A shirtless Putin, reached for comment while vacationing in Siberia, said the referees who blew the game were “dealt with” long ago, but that this “was still welcome gesture.”
In a game known to Americans as the “Miracle on Ice,” the U.S. Men’s Hockey team beat the Soviet Union 4–3 in the medal round of the 1980 Lake Placid Winter Games. The unexpected victory paved the way for the U.S. to win gold.
“For us it was more like ‘Conspiracy on Ice,’” said Russian Deputy Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov.
Most Russian fans believed at the time that referees rigged the game for the U.S. team. Another popular theory contended that the heavily favored Soviet team was instructed to throw the game. U.S. President Jimmy Carter was considering a boycott at the time of the Moscow Summer Olympics due to the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. Russian leaders thought a loss in hockey might brighten Carter’s mood.
Minister Ryabkov first floated the idea of the U.S. handing over the medal earlier this year, suggesting it as a consolation prize if the U.S. did not return two confiscated Russian diplomatic compounds.
At the time, Ryabkov threatened that if the U.S. did not hand over the gold medal, the Russians would retaliate by voiding all of the U.S. medals from the 1986 Goodwill Games.
When reached for comment, most surviving members of the U.S. team were unhappy to hear they would have to hand over their medals.
“I mean WTF? How on fricking earth does this #MAGA?” tweeted out Jim Craig, the team’s goalie.
At least three team members were open to the idea. All are strong supporters of President Trump.
“If it will make America great again, I’m happy to concede that the Soviets beat us,” said one team member who requested anonymity so that his teammates would not find him at the bar where he regularly holds court in Pownal, Vermont.
Predictably, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and other Democratic lawmakers were furious at the prospect of handing over symbols of America’s triumph over the Soviet Union.
Special Assistant to the President Sebastian Gorka was more enthusiastic, saying, “Sometimes the price of freedom must be paid in gold. Preferably gold sent to our comrades in Russia.”
This story, which is a break from our normal historical reporting, updates an earlier account from our sources at Conservative Fake News.