Eric Trump Defends Decision to Invest in Pitchforks in Wake of Charlottesville Rallies

Eric Trump says people are making “way too big of a deal” of the Trump Organization’s decision to invest in several pitchfork companies in the wake of this weekend’s violent rallies in Charlottesville, Virginia.

“Look, anyone with half a brain could see that the Charlottesville protesters did not have pitchforks,” Trump told Historical Fox News’ Lou Dobbs. “There were plenty of torches, but not a pitchfork in sight.”

With reduced supplies of pitchforks, members of the angry mob in Charlottesville were reduced to using Tiki torches.

As Trump pointed out, from Eastern Europe to Alabama, “Your classic angry white protester always has a pitchfork. Torches are a nice touch,” Trump said, “but they only work at night. Pitchforks communicate blind outrage at any time.”

According to the American Retailers Association, the market for pitchforks steadily declined in the U.S. over the last three decades. Demand started to pick up again in February 2016 when Donald Trump won the New Hampshire primary. By this summer, it was clear suppliers could not keep up with demand, which caused the complete absence of available pitchforks in Charlottesville.

“It was kind of humiliating,” protester James Lipmann told Historical Fox News. “I went to every Home Depot in the area and couldn’t find a pitchfork anywhere. We were reduced to Tiki torches.”

To counter the shortage, the Trump Organization is making a “strategic investment” in three companies that mass produce pitchforks, said Trump.

All three firms are located in China.

Lou Dobbs defended the foreign location of the companies, telling Trump: “It’s not your fault excessive regulations and minimum wage laws have strangled the American pitchfork industry.”

“Absolutely,” said Trump. “We always want to buy American, but if we have to go with Chinese pitchfork manufacturers for competitive reasons, so be it. I’ll sleep well at night knowing these Chinese products are stoking angry white mobs who want to put America first.”

In case you are a confused Fox News reader, please know this is a parody site. The real Fox News never covered this story, perhaps because it is fake. But if they had covered it, America would already be great again.