President Trump’s 76-year-old defense attorney and noted social media savant John Dowd confessed today that, in addition to crafting Tweets for the president, he has been ghost-posting to the Snapchat account of his 13-year-old granddaughter.
Dowd defended his actions, explaining that his granddaughter’s “Snapchat score was just really low — I mean, the girl was on the verge of becoming a social pariah. She just needed to up her game, and I thought I could help.”
Dowd said his granddaughter’s Snapchat skills clearly lagged behind her peers at St. Leopold’s Prep in Queens.
“She was posting way too many pics of her cat and constantly going on about her eczema and the weather – she basically had the Snapchat skills of a 70-year-old cat lady. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and watch my granddaughter become an outcast,” said Dowd.
The final straw was when he found her still using the two-dimensional horrified cat emoji from 2015. “I mean who the f*#k does that?” asked Dowd.
Dowd’s first improvements were simple. He quickly changed her following-to-followers ratio, “which was way off.” Next he scored backstage passes to concerts by Drake and Haim so he could post more interesting content on her behalf. He followed this up by giving her strict restrictions on the use of selfies and filters when she insisted on posting herself.
His most popular move – and the one that outed him – was to invent a controversial hashtag for meatless Fridays at St. Leopold’s. Posting on his granddaughter’s account on Nov. 10, he asked, “What kind of meat does the priest eat on Friday?” He answered the question with the hashtag: “#Nun, he’s Catholic.” The ribald tag became an overnight sensation at St. Leopold’s, where classmates began posting sexy “#Nun” pics every Friday.
His grandaughter’s Snapchat score soared. But the school’s IT administrators started an investigation that led them to her account. The headmistress then threatened to expel the girl for creating the suggestive hashtag.
That’s when Dowd stepped up and confessed his role.
“It was all my fault – she really had nothing to do with it,” Dowd told the editors of Homily, the St. Leopold school newspaper. “I guess I’m done Snapchatting now.”
Until recently, Dowd’s reputation as a social media savant had remained obscure. Before being outed as the genius behind President Trump’s public confession of obstruction of justice, Dowd was best known as the criminal defense attorney who flipped off reporters while losing the high-profile insider trading case of white-collar criminal Raj Rajaratnam.