Hannity: Stop the War On Whale Oil

Nantucket Island, Jan. 10, 1870—Historical Fox News Town Crier Sean Hannity joined an angry mob of unemployed whalers on a dock in Nantucket this morning calling attention to the “War on Whale Oil” being waged by John D. Rockefeller of Standard Oil and President Ulysses S. Grant, part of Grant’s systematic effort to kill American jobs, said Hannity.

“The supply of whales is basically inexhaustible,” said Hannity. “Oil from these giants could light every lamp in America for centuries, creating good jobs and saving us from having to import wax from Oriental Despots. But that’s not enough for Big-Government Grant and his cronies in the petroleum business who are seeking government hand-outs. No, our president wants to pick the winners and losers in the American economy, and he picks kerosene.”

Known as an “alternative” fuel made from petroleum, kerosene is rapidly displacing whale oil for lamps, causing a decline in whaling jobs up and down the Atlantic seaboard. Rockefeller’s Standard Oil, which was just incorporated, is becoming a major player in the new market for kerosene.

According to the Heritage Foundation, the government’s War on Whale Oil could terminate 50,000 American jobs by 1880 while dampening economic growth by more than $25 million.

The Nantucket crowd seethed with anger as Hannity recounted these facts and described President Grant’s campaign pledge to boost the kerosene industry and destroy their way of life.

Hannity then whipped the crowd into a frenzy when he mentioned the author of Moby Dick.

“This guy Mr. Herman Melville thinks the great sperm whales are dying out. How dumb does he think we are?”

“Pretty dumb!” the crowd shouted.

“Guys like Melville and Rockefeller, they’re killing your jobs under the guise of protecting whales,” said Hannity. “Grant and the environmentalists are totally willing to sacrifice American jobs and increase our energy costs just to please their liberal activist friends. Save the whalers, I say. Screw the whales!”

As Hannity spoke, the angry, out-of-work whalers held up signs reading, “Whale Oil Provides 80% of Massachusetts Energy,” “Stop the War on Whale Oil: Fire Grant,” and “Hannity Loves Sperm.”

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